I’m gonna preface this with – I’m older than most – born in the late 60’s. In the VERY early 1990s when the internet was but an infant and the modems still made that crazy noise. I spent a TON of time online in chat rooms. Meeting TONS of great folks many of whom I met in person eventually, one in particular was in my first wedding in 2000. So I’m no stranger to the ins and outs of the internet.
The ONE thing I can say that was better back then – most people were still honest. They might be “anonymous” online but they didn’t lie about who they were – at least not as many as do now.
Full disclosure, I met my second husband, in person and then online, perhaps I’ll tell that story one day it’s in my book, so I know you CAN or COULD meet decent mostly honest folks 10 yrs ago. Now it seems like all anyone is looking for is to “hook up”, scam someone, or just intentionally set out to break someone’s heart.
When I was first single, I honestly didn’t know what I wanted, I thought I did, but I didn’t. Joined a few dating sites and off to the races I went. Lots of men messaging me, and then, pretty quickly, I started to see patterns. MANY more “widowed, military men with small children” than one would expect to find. Obviously, the posers I mentioned in my last post and all in all several creeps just wanting me to be their online porn.
It’s made me beyond cynical, so now anyone that comes at me with “Hello beautiful/gorgeous (whatever superlative they choose to use,) it’s almost an immediate ignore from me. I have no delusions about myself. I’m a short, still chubby, (told I don’t look my age, but approaching 60) woman who’s been told most of her life how ugly she is. My ex loved to call me “the koolaid man” if I dared wear red.
So confidence and trust are now issues I struggle with. I told a friend the other day, I sort of pity the next man who REALLY might care about me, because I’m gonna see every “positive move”, compliment, genuine care/concern as a scam and expect him to hurt me immediately like everyone else has.
This seems like a perfect place to insert my poem that’s in the National Library of Poetry called “Will I Love Again” (I wrote this in high school, nothing’s really changed.)
Will I Love Again
The heart that I have is tattered and worn,
It’s been stepped on and crushed and done lots of harm.
It wants to care but it skeptical you see.
It’s afraid to love again, it’s afraid for me.
My heart is a kind one,
Full of love and compassion.
It’s given up all kinds of things,
For it believed it was the fashion.
To love and be loved
That is what everyone wants.
But the hurt that comes from it
Only seems to constantly haunt.
This heart wants love, to be held late at night,
With the curtains drawn, her loves turns out the light
And holds her until her heart begins to believe
That maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to breathe.
me